In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people.

Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It’s like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I’m not opening up enough and I’m going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it’s going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn’t enough time.

I’ve allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It’s as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I’m faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can’t have my last experience.

I can’t live in the moment if I’m thinking of the last one we’ll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

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